What I Really Meant To Say
by Violet Fairychild
Summary: Oneshot, 1xR, mention of 2xH. Sometimes the words we want to say the most are the ones that stay unspoken. Winner of Best OneShot in the 2002 Destiny Fanfiction contest at Blissful Ignorance.


Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, I don't own the song this was inspired by(forgive me for forgetting who does, but it's certainly not me), I don't own this computer, I don't own the house it's being written in…oh wait, too much info. Sorry.

Pairings: 1xR(naturally), with a passing mention of 2xH

Author's Note: Another ex-songfic. I couldn't help it! I loved writing them! Thankfully it reads okay sans lyrics. Winner of Best Songfic and Best One-Shot in the 2002 Destiny Fanfiction Contest at I Really Meant To Say

A fic by Vi

He stood by the punchbowl, shifting his weight uncomfortably in the grey suit he wore. Calculating blue eyes swept the room in a methodical fashion from underneath a mop of unruly brown hair. There was an aura about him that suggested he wasn't a part of the festivities, only observing them, and many who weren't familiar with him assumed he was a plainclothes member of security-one of Mr. Winners' bodyguards, perhaps. It didn't matter to him. His agenda was not to mingle or make connections, as most of the other partygoers seemed to be doing; no, he was here only as a favor to a comrade-in-arms. A comrade-in-arms, who as the night wore on was becoming increasingly frustrated with Heero's stubborn refusal to have any fun.

"Are you just going to stand there all evening?" Quatre asked for maybe the fifth time. His normally cheerful expression was slowly becoming one of exasperation.

Heero eyed him warily. "That was the plan, yes."

"I'm glad you came. I really am. But I'm finding it hard to enjoy myself when I know you're just standing here…Heero?" Quatre waved a hand in front of the stoic ex-soldier's eyes, which had suddenly lost focus. "Heero?"

"You didn't tell me she was coming." Heero didn't have to elaborate on who "she" was-there was only one woman in the known universe who could evoke that kind of response. The woman who refused to leave his thoughts, even after four years. The woman who was now standing not twenty feet away from him, looking as radiant and angelic as the last time he had seen her without the aid of a television screen.

She was resting elegantly against a column near the buffet table. The dim lighting of the ballroom made her skin glow against the ivory sheen of her dress, accentuating the ethereal beauty she already possessed. The neckline of her gown was low cut; the only jewelry she wore was a delicate gold brooch at her chest, placed in such a fashion that it invited passers-by to admire the graceful slope of her shoulders before letting their gaze drift downwards to appreciate her other curves, as well. Heero blinked, realizing he was appreciating her curves a little too intently.

Quatre winced. "I'm sorry, Heero. I didn't know she was coming until this morning. She was supposed to be at a conference tonight."

Of course he knew a few random details about her life-she was a high profile diplomat who was often in the evening news, and occasionally in the tabloids. He'd even managed to convince himself that knowing about her life was just as gratifying as being involved in her life. Except that being this close to her, having the chance to speak with her…Heero realized that his heart was pounding furiously in his chest, and it was becoming very difficult to breathe.

Then she glanced up and saw him, and trying to breathe was the farthest thought from his mind. For a split second, the expression on her face wavered, and he wasn't sure if she would smile or burst into tears…until her lips curved into a dazzling, heartfelt smile, and for Heero the rest of the world faded away into oblivion. He watched as she disengaged herself from the gentleman she'd been making conversation with, and glided in his direction.

"There you are, Quatre! I was beginning to think that the guest of honor had skipped out on his own birthday party." Relena greeted her friend with an embrace and a peck on the cheek. Heero's cheeks burned slightly at the snub; perhaps she hadn't been smiling at him, after all.

"Are you kidding? All of my sisters managed to be here-I'd have been drawn and quartered if I hadn't shown up." Quatre's eyes shifted nervously to evaluate Heero, who was distracting himself by picking all the green candies out of a bowl on the buffet. "Even Heero's here. I wouldn't miss that for the world," he added with a nervous laugh.

His anxiety was not lost on Heero, who eyed his friend suspiciously. It was the same kind of anxiety that Quatre displayed right before he did something underhanded.

Relena turned to Heero with a bland expression. "He's even wearing a suit. How much did you have to pay him?" she joked.

"I had to swear there wouldn't be any photographers allowed on the grounds-oh, look. There's Duo and Hilde now. I guess I should go greet them-I'll catch up with you guys later." Quatre beat a hasty retreat.

The pair that remained at the buffet table watched him leave with mild shock. Heero wondered if tackling his friend would alarm security.

"Hello, Heero." The vision beside him murmured. Even her voice had changed a bit with time; her girlish tone had mellowed, and her words were spoken with a slower cadence. She sounded like a woman.

"Relena." He could not bring himself to look her in the eye. Instead he settled for gazing at her mouth. There were white fairy lights strung all around the room, and Heero noticed how the tiny pinpricks of light seemed to surround his goddess, gleaming through her hair and giving her a dreamlike aura.

"How have you been?"

The words were out before he could edit them for content. "I've been fine." His heart twisted as he heard the flat tone in his voice. Struggling to maintain his composure, he volunteered a little more. "I mean, I'm doing pretty well. Wufei got me a position with the Preventers. It's a very fulfilling job." If by 'fulfilling' one meant 'time-consuming' and 'exhausting'.

"Do you have to travel a lot?" Her face was inquisitive.

"Yes, but I don't mind. I'm used to being nomadic." Besides, if he wasn't at her side, he didn't really have a place in this world, did he?

"Does it ever get lonely?" Was it curiosity, or was she asking him something else?

"I'm usually too busy to feel lonely." Except at night, when her face haunted him before he could force himself into peaceful oblivion.

"Oh." She stared into her wineglass, as though trying to divine a response from the burgundy depths. "It's really nice to see you again. It's been too long."

"Yes. It has." He watched her struggle with the awkward silence for a few moments longer, before breaking the tension himself. "I suppose I should go say hello to Duo and Hilde myself. I'll see you around."

Shock flared in her eyes for just a moment, before it was replaced by a look of-what? Weariness? Defeat? "Yes. See you around." With a swish of silk skirts, she turned to leave.

Once again, his mouth worked before his brain had time to catch up. "Relena-?"

She stopped mid-step, then turned halfway. He admired her profile. "Yes, Heero?"

"Take care of yourself."

He thought her shoulders sagged, just a bit. "Thanks. You too." And then she was gone, lost in the crowd.

The mass of people around him danced and laughed, but Heero took no notice of them. All he could hear were his last words as they reverberated through his head. "Take care of yourself," he repeated softly, shaking his head.

"I see you haven't lost your touch." Heero flinched at the familiar teasing tone. It seemed Duo had found him first.

"I guess I just don't have your luck with the ladies," he responded tonelessly, without turning. "Talking was never my strong suit."

"You can't be hurting that bad, if you're still up to tossing around veiled insults."

"Speaking of veils, how are the wedding plans going?"

"Oh, no you don't." Duo shook his head vigorously, clapping Heero on the back hard enough to make him flinch again. "Changing the subject signals an unwillingness to solve one's problems. I think we need to go have a little therapy session with Dr. Jack Daniel's. My treat."

"It's a free bar, Duo."

"All the better!"

* * *

Hidden safely in the crowd, Relena watched the object of her affections slowly follow Duo towards the bar as she assessed their short conversation. Her experience as a public figure had honed her ability to keep her true feelings under tight wraps, and tonight had been no different. Despite a few slip-ups, Relena was confident that she had come off as casual and poised, leaps and bounds away from the lovesick schoolgirl she felt like inside. So why was she so disappointed with their encounter? 

A part of her wanted to run after Heero and lead him someplace private, someplace away from all these people. She wanted to tell him how much she missed him. She wanted to invite him into her home, into her life…into her heart.

But the fear of being rejected again was enough to cripple the fledgling ideas in her head before they could be organized into a plan of action. He had given her no sign that her advances would be welcome. In fact, she could tell that her presence here made him uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have run off like that." The voice at her shoulder made her jump. She turned to find Quatre watching her with apologetic eyes. "He still doesn't get it, does he?"

Sadly, Relena shook her head. "It's okay," she said quietly. "It just isn't meant to be, I guess. Even when fate tries to lend a hand," she added, nudging Quatre gently.

He blushed and looked down at the floor, following the grain of the wood tiles with his eyes. "I don't suppose you'd be interested in meeting bachelors one, two and three? I've been fielding questions about you all night."

"No, I'm actually going to go ahead and leave in a minute. I have an early meeting tomorrow, and…" She trailed off when she met Quatre's disbelieving gaze. A slight flush crept across her own cheeks under his scrutiny. "And I feel like I'd be ruining his evening. If I haven't already."

"Relena, his evening was ruined when I told him he had to wear a tie. What about your evening? And mine? It is my birthday, you know." He attempted to look indignant, but only managed to look like a pouting toddler.

Relena smiled. "I know. But it's just…" her eyes traced the path Heero had taken to the bar, trying to discern the tousled head in the crowd. "It's just not the right time."

When Quatre didn't respond, she continued. "I mean, I shouldn't be seeing anyone right now. A relationship would be too much work for me."

Still no response. "Think about it, Quatre. I rush from meeting to press conference to banquet. I don't even have time for me, let alone anyone else."

When Quatre finally spoke, his voice was gentle. "So you think falling in love right now would be a burden?"

His words made a lump rise in her throat, but she persisted in her argument. "How could I love someone and have to leave him for weeks at a time? I hate the idea of a long distance relationship."

"Maybe you wouldn't have to leave him. Maybe he would want to go with you everywhere."

Relena shook her head again, tumbling her mane of golden curls about her shoulders. "I couldn't ask that of anybody," she said softly. "It wouldn't be fair."

Before Quatre could poke more holes in her logic, she squared her shoulders and lifted her chin. "Besides," she said with false bravado, "maybe I'm enjoying the single life. Aside from my job responsibilities, I finally get to make my own decisions."

"All right, I give up." Quatre threw up his hands in mock defeat. "Tell you what. If you can look me in the eye and tell me you don't need him, I'll never mention it again."

Nodding her agreement, Relena looked him straight in the eye, took a deep breath-and lied through her teeth. "Fine. I don't need Heero Yuy."

Sapphire eyes locked with aqua blue, and a smile spread across the blond man's face. "You're lying," he said, almost gleefully.

"I don't believe you sometimes!" Quatre's knack for ferreting out the truth behind her diplomat's face never ceased to amaze her. "You must be one hell of a businessman."

He shrugged. "One hell of a poker player, too, or so I've been told."

The smile on her face faded slightly. "I was only half lying. I don't need him." Her eyes lost focus, glazing over in an expression of dreamy concentration. "I just want him. That's all."

* * *

"You want her! It's so obvious." Duo threw his head back, sending the shot of whiskey he held to meet its brothers. "The question is, what are you going to do about it?" 

"Nothing." Heero had been avoiding shots, but was beginning to suspect there was more liquor in his Long Island iced tea than Duo had led him to believe. The ballroom was beginning to look…tilted. Maybe three drinks on an empty stomach hadn't been such a hot idea after all.

"And that, my friend, is why I'm getting married to the woman of my dreams while you are spending long, lonely nights in that prison cell you call an apartment. You can't do nothing."

"I'm already doing nothing. I plan to continue doing nothing."

An odd look settled over Duo's features, one that Heero didn't recognize. "You know, Quatre told me she was looking forward to seeing you tonight."

Confusion seeped into the pit of his stomach. "I thought Quatre didn't know she was going to be here until the last minute."

"Would you have come if you had known ahead of time that she would be here, too?"

The feeling of confusion was replaced by a disturbing pang of realization. "This was a set-up."

Duo nodded, the movement of his head slightly exaggerated by the alcohol he had consumed. "That's right, buddy. We set you up. We took a good, long look at two of the most deserving people we know, and realized they belong together. It took a lot of planning and a lot of patience, especially when it came to getting you here. And now you're telling me it was all pointless."

"I never asked for any of this. You can't guilt me into doing anything." Heero tried to tell himself that the disquieting sadness he felt was just the iced tea.

"I'm not trying to guilt you into doing anything. All I'm saying is, we made the effort when you wouldn't. How many more chances do you think you're going to get? Relena's a busy lady." Sighing melodramatically, Duo gestured towards the front entrance. "And now she's leaving. Back to her jam-packed schedule. Well, at least I won't have to go shopping for a wedding gift."

Heero stared at the huge double doors, watching Relena disappear through them and feeling as though he'd been punched in the stomach. He thought about his apartment and his narrow, uncomfortable twin bed. He thought about the pangs of remorse that gripped him every time he saw her on TV.

He thought about falling asleep by himself every night for the rest of his life.

Out of the corner of his eye, Heero saw Hilde materialize from the crowd. "Come on, Duo," she scolded lightly. "I don't plan on nursing you through a hangover all day tomorrow. Let's go dance before you drain the bar."

Duo stood on somewhat shaky legs and dug into his jacket pocket. "I guess you'll be heading out pretty soon, huh? Let me give you cab fare."

Heero looked at him in surprise. "I don't need-" he started, but cut himself off when Duo pressed the money into his palm with a wink.

"If there's anyone I know who needs cab fare, it's you." A glint of self-satisfaction twinkled from violet eyes. "It was great to see you, buddy. Good luck with everything." And then he was gone.

The bills made an unusual crinkling sound when Heero squeezed his fingers around them. Opening his fist again, he could see a slip of paper folded into the wad of cash. A small glimmer of hope caught in his throat as he smoothed it out.

"Garrison Hotel, Fifth and Main. Room 302." Heero shook his head slowly, a hint of a smile playing on the corners of his mouth as he read the scribbled words at the bottom of the note. "Everyone deserves another chance."

* * *

"Heero! What are you doing here?" The astonishment in her eyes was clear as she let in the slightly disheveled man at her door. Stepping aside to allow him entry, she clutched a little tighter at the robe she wore. It looked as good on her as the dress she'd worn earlier, Heero decided. 

"I wanted to talk," he said.

Relena closed the door behind them and regarded her late night visitor with curiosity. "You came to talk? About what?" she asked, her voice trembling slightly.

Nervously, Heero ran a hand through his hair and swallowed thickly. His blood alcohol level was rapidly dropping, and the courage it had brought him was going with it. "I lied earlier," he said.

"You lied?"

"When you asked me if I ever got lonely. I lied." Things were going all wrong. He had meant to ask her to coffee, not confess the burdens of his soul. "I'm lonely all the time."

"You are?" she spoke calmly, her words relaxed even as her mind worked frantically to quell the excitement that seeped into her chest.

Heero felt mildly disgusted with himself. "Yes. I am." The beginnings of a headache were stirring in his temples. Carefully avoiding eye contact, he strode to the bathroom sink and yanked the plastic packaging off a cup.

A slender hand took the wrapper from him and dropped it into the trash can. "If you're lonely," she said softly, "why don't you find someone?"

"It's not that easy." He filled the cup with water and took a long drink.

"I know what you mean," she said.

The cup felt satisfying in his hand. At least, it was something to look at while he tried to think of what to do next. "There is someone I'd like to be with," he said finally.

"Really? Me too." She seemed to be avoiding eye contact as well, focusing her attentions on the tasseled belt of her robe. "There really isn't anyone I'd want to be with, besides him," she added.

Heero's heart sunk, just a little. Was she playing along with him, or was there really someone else? "I screwed up, a long time ago, and…I don't know what she'd do if I told her how I felt now."

"Well, I can't really speak for her-" and here she looked up at him coyly, "-but if the person I want to be with told me how he felt, I certainly wouldn't reject him."

Relief swept through Heero's insides in a cool breeze. "I think she's the most amazing person I've ever known," he said truthfully.

Relena closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. "I'm sure she feels the same way about you," she whispered.

Her eyes were still closed, but she could sense him moving towards her. "And I always want to be beside her." His voice was hushed, tense.

"Good, because she wants you to go everywhere with her." Her face was inches from his. She heard plastic crumple as he crushed the empty cup in his hand.

"I want to tell her that I love her."

Relena's insides were jelly, her knees were threatening to give out at any moment, but somehow she remained standing. "You should definitely tell her that," she said. "Because then she would feel safe enough to tell you that she loves you, too."

"Relena, I-" she cut him off by pressing her lips against his, surprising both of them. He stiffened in shock, then slowly melted into her embrace, the ruined cup falling to the carpet.

She broke away from him, blushing slightly. Heero looked at her with a mixture of awe and bewilderment. A shy smile spread across her mouth and she brought the back of her hand to her lips, still feeling the warmth from his kiss.

"Actions speak louder than words," she said. And she kissed him again.


End file.
